February 22nd, 2044
Sacramento, CA – Approximately a hundred protesters participated in a rally yesterday to demand the removal of the
Arnold Schwarzenegger portrait from the halls of the Capitol building.
The organizers, gathered under the banner of Coalition United for Legal Eradication of that Republican Orange-haired Savage, or
CULEROS, are a fringe group of the Republican Party in the State of California. In order to salvage what little remains of their party, they want to pretend that Schwarzenegger never happened.
"It's just not fair for us," said party chairman Aquiles Imploro, "the Republican Party had some values at some point, we even ended slavery! But whenever we try to have an argument about anything, it just always comes back to that guy with the reddish orange hair that thought governing was just a huge photo-op."
Once a prominent part of the state politics, the Republican Party has now been reduced to the margins of the political spectrum now dominated by the two major Californian parties of "
Democrats that are like Parks" and "
Democrats that are like Ridley-Thomas".
Schwarzenegger, an Austrian bodybuilder and actor that went on to serve two terms as governor of California in the early 21st century, led
a tumultuous administration that saw itself unable to fix a precarious budget crisis and gained the dubious distinction of vetoing five "dream acts" in five consecutive years, a repeated decision that economic historians consider one of the most wrongheaded moves in the history of Austrian bodybuilding, which is what Schwarzenegger thought was the primary duty in his role as Governor of California.
"Schwarzenegger – or Mr. Brain Freeze, as most people knew him when he left office – proved himself to be
consistently incapable to connect the dots in an otherwise routine bill that would have ensured that all students, regardless of citizenship status, were able to apply for scholarships to which their tuition money already contributed," said
Maria Jenn Grande Contreras, director of the UC Irvine Center for the Study of the Global Economy. “At the time, the bills had large support from faith-based, business, and labor organizations. This just chipped away at the support of the GOP, now know as LOP, just at a time where Latinos were gaining ground in California politics”.
The decision was largely blamed for the economic collapse that the state suffered when these high-achieving students sought refuge elsewhere. The
IDEAS Global Movement, an open-borders organization centered around creating empowering programs in Latin America, became instrumental on reversing the “brain drain” trends away from its original direction towards California, exporting valuable talent to other states and countries.
“This was a wrong-headed move that hurt the state. These students were world-changers, and the governor just kept shunning them year after year, and their party lost all its relevance,” said State Senator
Tam Inzunza, a former Dream Act student and member of the Democrats that are like Ridley-Thomas Party.
Schwarzenegger’s political career was ended shortly after his fifth veto of the Dream Act, when it was discovered that the lead-based oils used to dye his peculiar orange hair were the main cause of pollution in the state. Now the LOP wishes it could just eliminate him from the record books.
“Enough is enough,” said Imploro, who proposed replacing the portrait with a picture of official state mascot Mickey Mouse. “At least the mouse was enviro-friendly,” he added.
Puli
tzer-, Oscar-, Nobel-, and NBA Most Valuable Player trophies-winning author, actor, diplomat, and basketball player
Matias Ramos, a former activist for the California dream acts, commented on the situation from his ranch in Tierra del Fuego: "It's really sad to see what happened to the legacy of Mr. Brain Freeze. I mean, he sucked and we all hated him, but he sure knew how to smoke a cigar!"